Okay. We are now more than halfway through 2011 so, time to check myself.
Currently, I'm sorry to report, my Joy meter has been running a bit low. Hence the absence of me in the blogosphere. I'm still feeling it, but it has been tempered by my preoccupation with some pretty heavy issues (details upcoming). I don't - or can't - write when I'm overburdened with stress. There hasn't been too much after-dinner kitchen dancing to the rousing sounds of hip-hop, nor any top-of-my-lungs versions of popular songs. This is something that just dawned on me, by the way... and a revelation that something's gotta change, soon.
Giving back where I can? Well, I keep seeing friends of mine going through different struggles, and I feel this really intense need to help. I think of ways to do so. T has recently told me I need to take care of me first, resolve and get my own life straight, before I can truly help others. I reluctantly agreed. However, a recent religiously motivated email offered this prayer: "Lord, let me be a blessing to others." So, with that, I offer my smile, a hug, and an affirmation to you that you are important to me and I'm here for you, whenever you need me.
Fulfilling one dream this year? I think I have. No, I didn't publish a novel or climb Mt. Everest (ok, I really don't want to tackle that mountain), but I did find my way to feeling real, raw, unobstructed JOY that nobody could squash (well, except me). And I found Tara, again.
To the people I love and cherish - I still love and cherish you!
I spoke my truth. Some didn't like it. Many more did. Thank you for that.
I ran and finished my first 5k. As it turned out, it wasn't on May 14th - a series of ridiculous mishaps in the week leading up to it prevented that, including a mysterious leg injury that halted a routine run and - the icing on the cake - a stoopid accident in my backyard two days later involving a trash can and my head that left me with five most attractive staples less than an inch above my forehead. My first 5k was actually a month later, benefiting the local chapter of another cause near and dear to my heart, the American Cancer Society. I ran that race for my grandfather whom I lost in 1983, and my uncle, who lost his third go-around with it in 2004. As my feet hit the final leg of the race and I had sight of the finish line, I had to fight back the tears that threatened to publically expose me for the blubbering fool that I am. But - it was AWESOME. I finished 88th out of 167 runners, and 7th in my age group. And, I'm ready to go again.
Diet. Ok, here it is: I fell off the wagon. It couldn't be helped. It seems when I'm under a certain degree of stress, I eat whatever poison is closest at hand. Today it's potato chips and oreo cookies. Tomorrow? French fries and Berger cookies. If it comes in a package, it's mine. If I've got to clean it, cut it, cook it or otherwise process it myself - it's going to be pretty lonely in the refrigerator. I do manage to swallow the offending material with the calculated deception of an addict - the kids are in the dark about my cookie "habit," since when they see me, I'm eating carrot sticks and cheese. (See? It's not that bad.) In any case, after a recent weigh-in and self-intervention, I'm clawing my way out of the junk food gutter with small, green leafy steps.
Taking time for me. Done.
No more excuses. As they say, I made my bed and now I must lie in it. Very few choices come without consequences - good or bad - but I made mine and I am NOT sorry. No more apologies.
I remain focused on my daughter's health and well-being - I am vigilant day and night as always, keeping her blood sugars low and testing every two hours to ensure her safety. Diabetes can't beat us! Still praying for a cure as the diabetes community remains focused on exciting developments to that end. Looking forward to our JDRF Walk coming in October, raising money and awareness for this devastating disease.
And, too, I am focused on my son's health and well-being - knowing his easy-going nature even as I am acutely aware of what he's not showing, or saying.
I AM a great mom.
A new development: I've gone "back to school." It's nothing big, and no mean accomplishment, just another "leap" I've made as I transition to a new life where I can be there for my daughter and have an income. In life there are no guarantees, but without risks how will we ever know our full potential? (Will keep you posted.)
And finally - in spite of some emotional upheavals and feeling like I'm drowning in stress some days - I've had to remind myself,
Every day I wake up has been a new opportunity to be "me" again. It is a divine blessing to live in the light, even if it is "always darkest before the dawn."