New Year, New
So last year, on the brink of declaring my independence once and for all, I posted my New Year’s Resolutions. And I did quarterly updates, but gave up after September in the midst of the Perfect Storm. I haven’t looked at them since. Today, I did. This is what I learned. Here is my report card for 2011.
I will continue to seek out Joy wherever, and whenever, I can. And show my children how to find it too. Grade: B-. I did really, really well most of the year, but the storm last quarter has all but blown out my Joy candle… with a few exceptions. I worked hard to show my kids the Joy too, without crying too much in front of them. All months figured into the average – B minus sums it up.
I will do my best to give back where I can – after all, we’re all in this together. Grade: D. Maybe I’m a little hard on myself, but my preoccupations with my problems really downgraded my ability to help anyone, even myself. If being supportive to others who were struggling last year, and treating the world at large with kindness on a daily basis in spite of my own inner struggles counts, then I guess I didn’t really fail at this one. I was not able to participate in the JDRF Walk for a Cure this year, and it’s what really knocked off more than a few points from my own personal scoring system.
I will fulfill at least one dream this year. Grade: A+. I fulfilled three. I wanted to live a better, emotionally healthier life… MY way, on MY terms – finally. I did it. And I wanted to have real love, that honors, respects and cherishes. Got it.
I will make sure the people I love and cherish, know. Grade: B. This is a hard one to judge. I think they know. I tried to tell them. Do they know?
I will speak my truth. Even if you don’t like it. Grade: A+. If you’ve been following along, then you already know from updates that I did this. It was awesome. And oh-boy… there were people who didn’t like it! But, since they were only 3 people out a hundred, I’d say I was right.
I will continue running. It feels good and it’s for ME. And I will run my first 5k this year. Grade: B-. I ran. It felt good. “They” said I couldn’t do it, but I did. This is dream #3. And I ran two 5k’s last year, placed in the second race on one of the hottest days of the summer – booyah! (Sticking tongue out.) However, I stopped running in September when things got really stressful – which is when anyone with half a brain knows you should never stop. Grade after September: F+. In the spirit of giving myself a break, the “plus” is for that one breakaway run I did at the playground two weeks ago.
I will continue to fuel my body with healthy food, … blah blah blah. Grade: D. I fell off the nutrition wagon BIG time this year, and hit my head on a nice big wedge of cheese fries chased by beer and beer and more beer. Hard to eat under stress. Not hungry. When food came my way, it resembled more of a deep-fried stew of vitamin-deficient salts and sugars. Apparently I have a wooden leg too – all the alcohol I drank disappeared without effect to my psyche or my waistline. I lost more weight. Grade for pants slipping down off my hips: F.
I will not make excuses for my actions, emotions or decisions. I will own them and try to be better for me, not you. Grade: B. I did not make (too many) excuses, but the downside is that I often fell back on that excuse of not excusing myself for moments when I might not have considered someone else’s feelings about it.
I will make time for me. Grade: A-. You know I did this – I wrote about it enough. And, I stopped trying to justify it. There is a problem with too much time on one’s hands, though. More on that in another blog.
I will continue to be a great mom, and I will make sure both of my children never have to question my love for them. Grade: A. And I know they don’t. God knows I have had more than ample opportunity – er – justification to throw someone under a bus for what could be more than generously called bad behavior and lack of integrity, but I did not. I protected my children’s love for their other parent by supporting their time with him and never speaking ill of him. In front of them, I mean. (Hey, I never said I was perfect.) I AM still a great mom. No one can take that away from me.
I will continue to fight for my daughter’s health. Grade: A+. I will never fail at this one. It’s not an option. Never even entered my mind.
I will continue to assert my needs as a human being. For the record, I’m not selfish, I’ve just spent way too many years sacrificing myself for the sake of others. I just deserve a break too, like everybody else. This year, I take my life back. Grade: A-. At the risk of redundancy, we already established this. I did it. I took my life back. The minus is for forgetting periodically that I need to give myself a break.
Now, on to 2012.