Ava: Do you have to get married to have a baby?
Me: (Taking a long breath)
Ava: Because Melitza’s parents aren’t married...
Me: Well, you don’t have to get married, and some people choose not to, but I think it’s the best thing to do. And you want to make a good choice in who you share your life with – someone who loves you and who you also love, because having a baby with someone ties you to them forever.
Ava: Yeah, I want to marry somebody who treats me good and doesn’t hit me.
Me: (somewhat stunned) Absolutely. People who truly love each other don’t hurt each other like that.
We continue in silence a few minutes as we pass through town.
Ava: So you get a baby from making out, right?
Me: (my palms starting to sweat) No. Making out means kissing.
Ava: Morgan said to get a baby you have to have sex.
Me: (by now wondering what the hell these little girls are talking about this for)
Yes. You have to have sex to make a baby.
Ava: How does the baby get made?
Me: (glancing meekly at Owen next to me, obliviously jamming out on his iPod) You wanna take this one?
Owen: Huh? What?
Me: Ava wants to know how babies get made – you wanna field this one? (I know – I’m wicked.)
Owen: NO! (jamming his earbuds back into his ears, and throwing me one last dirty look)
Ava: A baby comes from an egg right? But how does the egg get in you?
Me: You know how girls and boys have different private parts? Well, girls have eggs and those eggs are kind of like flowers – they need a seed to grow, you know what I mean? And boys have the seed that makes those eggs grow into babies. (cut me some slack – I was on the fly)
Ava: How does the seed get to the egg?
Me: (Oh shit.) (Deep breath) So girls and boys have different private parts, right? Girls have a vagina and boys have a penis – you already know this. (I get a “yes” from the backseat) Well… (swallowing hard) these parts are made to, uh, fit together (gulp)… the penis goes into the vagina.
Ava: Ew! That’s gross! Does it hurt? It has to hurt.
Me: (Oh for the love of God) Um, well… (how does one answer this one?) (and now – feeling the hysterical laughter burbling up my chest)
Ava: Did you have to do that?
Me: Well, I have you and Owen don’t I?
Ava: So you had to do that with my dad?
Me: (unfortunately yes) Yes, of course. That’s how we had you and Owen.
Ava: Ew! Gross! Why would people want to do that?
Me: Well, to have a baby, for one. And someday it might not sound so gross to you.
Ava: Do you and Todd do that?
Me: That’s noneya.
Ava: (a dramatically resigned sigh) Well, I guess I will have to do it too, if I want to have a baby.
Me: Yes, if you want to have a baby when you’re all grown up and married.