THE CRIME: Dog food scattered throughout the kitchen and living room.
CLUES: Whole and partially chewed food particles, droplets of water, and a small leaf from a backyard tree. Not a pet in sight. No witnesses.
1. Oliver. Domestic short hair orange cat. Age: 4. Height: 13.5 inches. Weight: 16 lbs.
Known for late-night and pre-dawn solo stampedes through the house, playing with food, vomiting in the community water dish, and blatant disregard for house rules including – but not limited to – running across counters and standing on keyboards, sleeping on tabletops, and general melee. Previous convictions include overturning food bowl and deliberate misuse of a bathroom rug. Does not show contrition.
2. Pi. Standard black poodle. Age: 14. Height: 22 inches. Weight: 33 lbs.
Known for stealth food theft operations, indiscriminate barking, uninvited jumping on the furniture, sloppy eating habits (ie: dropping food from mouth), and death breath. Previous convictions include theft and destruction of grandma’s checkbook and designer eyeglasses, assault and accomplice to first degree manslaughter of two outdoor furry intruders, a handful of indoor bowel and bladder indiscretions, eating catshit, and disappearance of multiple items, including granola bar from mom’s bag and chocolate from the bedside table drawer.
3. Sabra. Standard brown poodle. Age: 8. Height: 23 inches. Weight: 39 lbs.
Known for nervous and erratic behavior, occasional extreme body tremors, destruction and disappearance of multiple pencils and one crayon, loud and sloppy drinking habits, stealing from the litter box, being a follower, blatant and unapologetic promiscuity, nudging mom for attention, intense fear of thunderstorms, and chasing skunks. Previous convictions include assault and accomplice to first degree manslaughter of two outdoor furry intruders, overturning the food bowl, attempted assault and battery of a skunk resulting in an indirect assault of her family’s senses. Also plead no-contest to theft of potato chips after being caught redpawed with head stuck in the bag.
It's no coincidence that man's best friend cannot talk. ~ Unknown
Dogs have owners, cats have staff. ~ Unknown