What I Learned This Week

Procrastination is a gene.  And my son got mine.  This year he has to participate in the school science fair, WHICH we have known about since November.  It is due in SEVEN days.  I just found this out.  My son hasn’t started it yet.  And just when my life can’t get any more stressful – you know, because I do stress over my kids’ schoolwork, especially if I know I’m going to be sucked into the eleventh hour drama the night before when nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is attached yet to the display board – he comes home from school with this big, shit-eating grin on his beautiful face to tell me, guess what mom? I’ve got great news! Turns out we were misinformed on the deadline and he actually has two weeks left.  And we threw our arms around each other and did our best happy dance.

If you steal someone’s Bluetooth, make sure you delete the original phone from it.  Otherwise, you might be bowling 2 lanes away from the original owner when suddenly it “reconnects” to the original phone.  Oh, and more importantly – if it rings, for the love of all things cellular, don’t answer it.  Can you say “busted” 3 ways to Sunday? 

There’s going to be another wedding in the family!  I.  Am.  So.   Excited.  Now I sit anxiously on my hands –so I don’t chew off every last cuticle on the hand I was working on when science project came a-knocking – to see where the happy couple decides to seal the deal.  It’s either going to be at the top of a very cold mountain, for which I will need some very quick skiing lessons, some heavy padding and definitely a helmet, …. Or, somewhere a little safer and requiring less clothing, like a nice patio flanked by flowers and a restaurant with 5-star food.

My in-laws, who have been married for 46 years, have decided, since neither of them want to live without the other, that when they reach the end of the road of life they will drive off into the Grand Canyon sunset and right off a cliff like Thelma and Louise.  That’s assuming they still have all their faculties and don’t get confused and drive off the side of the local quarry and end up living…. and get committed to that other purgatory known as nursing home.

The people you went to high school with weren’t necessarily the people you thought they were.  For real.   You know, like the girls you thought were getting laid all the time, weren’t, and the girls you never would’ve guessed, WERE.  My mom warned me about this long ago, when she told about a friend of hers in high school who went away for a while to have a very large cyst removed from her abdomen.  Lesson to us all:  Beware the quiet ones.

And while we are on the subject of sex, did you know there are sex parties out there, just like Tupperware and Pampered Chef?  Not sex-where-people-are-having-sex parties – because that would just be, ewww - but parties selling toys and paraphernalia and clothing and stuff.  I have to admit I had heard of these before – and not surprisingly from someone I would never have expected to host one – but I think I just blocked the whole thing out of my mind.  However, someone handed me a catalog at this banquet we went to for something totally unrelated to sex or anything even close to that – and, thank God I’d had a couple of cocktails before I opened it!  Think people over 40 don't blush?  Guess again.  I’m already thinking of who to invite to my party… I’m nearly peeing myself, thinking of the post that would follow that!

You know you’re drunk when you spill your margarita… in bed.  Even if you weren’t even drinking it at the time.

And, on a more serious note….

A strong circle of women is a beautiful thing.  A friend of mine refers to her circle as her Village, the friends who are there for her no matter what, through thick and thin, who she can call in an instant for anything, anytime.  That old adage, it takes a village to raise a child, is stretched to stand for something way more potent and enduring – it just takes a Village.  I envy that.  We all need a Village – one that holds us up, carries us through, tells us like it is, laughs at our ridiculousness, cries for our heartaches, drives us crazy, supports our struggles, celebrates our achievements, no matter how small, never lets us feel alone, AND helps us raise our children.  It is a beautiful thing.

Animas – the company that makes my daughter’s insulin pump – has submitted to the FDA for approval their integrated insulin pump and continuous glucose monitor (CGM) known as the Animas Vibe, which has been in use in Europe for two years already.  The continuous glucose data is viewed directly on the pump, rather than a separate receiver, and has a built in safety alert for glucose of 55 or below.  Still, she would need a separate site for this, which features a needle the length of a quarter that most likely would send us back to that cat-and-mouse chase of our syringe days.  But nevertheless, this is an exciting development as I constantly revisit my desire to put her on a CGM.

Miscellaneous tidbits:

• According to Ask.com, simulating a volcanic eruption, experimenting with egg flotation, and creating simple electric circuits are among the top 10 science projects.  MY kid chose a self-inflicted conceived engineering-type project guaranteed to drive him to tears and me to madness (note to Todd:  please buy an extra bottle of tequila this week). 

• A joint survey by Today.com and SELF magazine found that of 18,000 women surveyed, a staggering 84% have endured a toxic friendship.  Friends who were self-absorbed, backstabbers and hypercritical friends, friends who were unreliable, friends who were like the proverbial black cloud on a sunny day... even friends who still behave like they’re still in high school.   I wasn’t surveyed, but I can definitely include myself in that count.  Thankfully age and experience has sharpened my radar for that kind of poison.

• The Grand Canyon, where the fictional Thelma & Louise drove to their death, has depths of over 600o feet (1 mile) in some places.  The actual locale used for that memorable plunge was in an area just south of Dead Horse Point State Park, which is in Utah.  There are 2000 foot cliffs there, and safety concerns listed for the park include its relative isolation, lightning, and unfenced cliffs.   It’s 2,391 miles to the Grand Canyon from Baltimore, translating to 1 day and 14 hours.  I’d say that’s the place to go.

• The sex toy party trend is heating up.  But, according to one source, many of these consultants conducting the parties are not well educated in sexuality!  Shocking.  Consequently, this could also result in your not knowing that one should only use 100% medical grade silicone lubricant on silicone toys.  Worse, toxins potentially found in some products can be absorbed by the vaginal wall and create a health hazard.  Do your homework ladies!  There – you have learned something new and I may have saved your vagina.  You’re welcome.