Before driving to your house yesterday, I stopped at the
post office and then the library, with a quick stop for contraband at the
Golden Arches and THANK GOD I did because the Mustang decided it was too hot to
drive and left me sitting along Route 422 in Douglassville in 95 degree heat
with 90% humidity. I risked MY LIFE to
cross the highway to safety and SHADE (where it was still 96 degrees), but I felt it was far safer than sitting in that black
oven with smoke (Todd insists it was not
smoke, but I was not taking any chances that the car was not on fire) pouring out of the hood. I was sure I would die that way. You know how much I hate being broken down on
the road, and since I have taken great pains to ensure that it would never
happen again – I haven’t been broken down since 1996 – I panicked, both because
the car. Was. On. Fire. and because I
forgot that AAA exists and we still have it.
After a brief phone call to Todd, who felt supremely bad that
this happened to me and not him (for many reasons, and one in particular which
you are well aware of), I was able to calm down. And while I was sitting on a shaded curb that could well have served
as the firepit for our next pig roast, I texted Joel to remind him about
leaving me the key to your car and do you know what he said?? He said, oh
no! I forgot and I’m halfway to Philly.
I again reminded him that I hope he chokes on his spit, and told him
what happened.
By the time I had
finished my fries and the half bottle of water I was carrying, and was
adequately saturated through my clothes to the skin with perspiration, I
decided it really wasn’t all that bad.
Of course that was because the tow truck man pulled in right at that
very moment when I was wondering YTF I didn’t leave at least one hair clip in
my bag to pull my hair up, for times when the car breaks down on the hottest
day of the year.
No worries though. I
got a nice air conditioned ride to your place, during which the driver regaled me
with tales of locked keys in cars up at the academy and how rude they were, and
then we dumped the Mustang off and I picked up the girls for their
sleepover. Joel showed me some pics of
the catastrophe that befell the bar – the glass shelf fell on top of the back
bar and all the single malts and vodkas were strewn all over the floor, broken glass
everywhere – it was horrifying! The
sight of $1200 worth of liquor spilled all over the floor was enough to give me
angina.
Joel offered to feed the girls some of the ground turkey he
cooked up, but I thought it was prudent for Sabra to take the car ride on an
empty stomach. I then went home to cry and the girls, clearly not as
traumatized as me over a broken Mustang and lost Scotch, pranced around the
backyard like happy fawns, gobbled up their ground turkey, and went promptly to sleep with nary a
glance in my direction.
To answer your earlier email, we went moonlight swimming
with the kids the other night and came within inches of another ER visit for
Ava after Owen upended her floating chair less than a foot away from the wall. They have since returned to their dad for the
weekend. No, I am not keeping my
departure a secret from you – Todd and I have just not decided when to leave
and which shore point we want to land on.
The table linens are indoors thanks to impeccable timing on
the groomer’s part – I arrived to your place with the newly fluffy girls and
the linen man had just gotten there. The
landscapers too – which is a REALLY good thing – since the patio looks more
like the jungle in Jumanji than a cool dining retreat after the torrential rain
we had last weekend. And Tree has not
had the baby yet – and no – I am not
going to check in on her again today…. She will unfriend me. No Royal baby yet, either. Too bad we don’t live in
England – all babies born the same day receive a very special commemorative
coin, delivered in a pink or blue bag (for obvious reasons).
The boys are doing great – they were groomed yesterday and
looked divine – although if he gets even 10 minutes outside in this heat, I’m
sure Zeke will undo the miracle of a bath by settling into the algae-coated
fish pond. And hopefully Moses’ natural musk will hold off at least until you
return from vacation in 3 days so you can enjoy an easy-breathing night at home.
As for the girls, Pi is definitely excited to be clean
again, but Sabra trembled from door to door in her usual way like we were driving
her to the death chamber. This morning
we rose bright and early, and I drove them to the groomer. (You will also be pleased to know that Sabra
did not vomit once on any of her car trips.)
Afterward I vacuumed about 20 pounds of dog hair out of your
car, and threw out a months’ worth of trash for you. By
the way, does Moses the polar bear dog favor the left side of your car? I’m sorry I couldn’t get the crevices – the hose
was missing the attachment for that. As
for the leather, I think you’re going to need a power washer to get those
stains out. I washed the car too. The brush hose was broken and, although it
still worked, the hole in the hose was spewing blue soap all over me. But,
no worries – I’ll need another shower anyway after washing your car in 90
degrees before 8:30am. YOU’RE WELCOME.
If you are feeling loopy, I’m sorry. Perhaps you should sit upwind from the Rastafarians while you’re sunbathing. Enjoy your sojourn to the South coast – and ask
David if he sees any more dead people.
(Really – I don’t care how old you guys are – lay off the natives’ ganja
before you go driving.)
Love and kisses,
Your Loyal Daughter
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