A friend of mine shared an article entitled, “14 Things All Healthy Couples Do.” I am easily bored and often impatient when reading so I don’t often read articles that don’t just “grab” me. But this – well, she kinda sorta said some of the stuff grossed her out. Intrigued, I clicked on the link. You can find the original article here.
I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging on us all the time, but I like to think Todd and I have found the Holy Grail – or – rather less epically stated – I think we’re pretty healthy. But, I soon learned, we aren’t meeting all the criteria and therefore are not as healthy as we should be!!
- “Share the shower.” I’m sorry, there is nothing enjoyable about one person standing under the showerhead, while the other shivers against the cold shower wall. And I can promise you bravery has NOTHING to do with getting down on my knees to use my expensive body scrub on his feet. I guess we will have to find a way, if we want to be a “healthy couple.” Clinging to each other under the water stream while simultaneously attempting to get clean, because I can assure you, that’s about all that’s going down in there, is how it’s supposed to be done folks.
- “Pop each other’s pimples.” Todd, I am so disappointed that we have never done this! Why have you not asked me to pop your pimples? Oh wait – you never have any. You never have any! I don’t know if it counts if you’re the only one picking zits. How dysfunctional! OMG – what are we going to do?!
- “Make fast-food runs at 2AM.” I knew it! I told him we needed to go to McDonald’s that time we were starving in the middle of the night. It just isn’t good enough to make homemade nachos together – we have to actually drive somewhere in order to be healthy.
- “Binge-watch TV shows.” Well, now finally we got something right. If the scandalous and ruthless Frank Underwood didn’t do it, watching the continuous cycle of brutality, death, and violence on Sons of Anarchy has definitely brought us closer together.
- “Watch the same TV show while you’re in different places. Ok Todd – remember all those nights we spent in separate states, forced to watch House of Cards alone? Well, we were super healthy then. Though I love sleeping next to you every night now, you’re just going to have to sleep at your parents’ once in a while - because every TV show we watch in the same house is tearing us apart.
- “Occupy certain positions and sides of the bed.” Whew! Thank GOD we do this already. I was starting to get really nervous.
- “Use the bathroom together.” I’m sorry Todd, I know I’ve been a little – you know – private about needing to use the bathroom, but I promise, from this day forward, I’m gonna barge right in while you’re brushing your teeth and sit down on that porcelain throne and show you what a Queen I am! And don’t you hesitate to unleash that that-which-cannot-be-unseen bathroom event while I’m taking a shower. We’re gonna be soooo healthy!!!
- “Snuggle.” Phew! Check off another one! We got this.
- “Pick where and what to eat together.” We’ve got a problem. Our conversations always start like this: What are you hungry for/where do you want to eat? I don’t know/I don’t care…where do you want to eat? Doesn’t matter, whatever you want is fine with me. Well, I don’t really have a preference. Why don’t you pick? Really, you can choose. Really. If we can’t decide TOGETHER Todd – we’re doomed.
- “Make each other laugh.” Cheesy jokes only we find funny? Our own bad voiceovers for those movies on the SyFy channel? Inventing scenarios where we play practical jokes on others? Check, check, and check. We definitely have this one in the bag.
- “Change clothes in front of each other.” Wait – this is healthy too? Wow – we got another one right and we didn’t even have to try! Yay!
- “Tolerate Aunt Flo.” A guy in a healthy relationship “always asks if you need something: Do you want chocolate? Do you have tampons? Compress warm enough?” ??? Todd – you are not doing this for me!! For the love of Flo, how can we ever be healthy if you’re not concerned about my inventory of feminine supplies?
- “Choose good topics for date night.” Do we have to choose good topics? Why not bad ones? Why do we have to choose at all? OMG – I don’t even know what a good topic is! I thought people in healthy relationships just let conversation flow, and now my anxiety meter is blowing up because we don’t ever decide in advance what we’ll talk about over that dinner we can’t decide on together!!
- “Make pillow talk.” Not the dirty kind – get your mind out of the gutter! Healthy couples share the tales of their day and they give a shit about the other’s troubles and triumphs. “And then you fall asleep in each other’s arms.” We aren’t falling asleep in each other’s arms often enough, Todd. You know, the snuggling (the part above that we got right) is only half of healthy – we should be falling asleep with your arm under me, and my face to your neck in an impossible angle. What do you mean you can’t breathe like that? And your arm is going numb? So what. That cramp in my neck will be fine after 600 mg of ibuprofen. Our relationship is headed to hell in a handbasket – buck up!
All in all – I am worried. Very worried indeed. We only have 5 out of 14 covered… a mere 36%!!! We're not healthy enough! What marriage can survive such negligence?!